Muddy Waters's Blues

Land of the Flooded Forest

Have always been fascinated with New Zealand. The country has been on the top of my list of places to see. But it's been toppled now by Amazonian forests. Of late, I have been reading a great deal about the region. The more I read about it, the more fascinating it gets. I have a few Brazilian friends in Rio, São Paulo and Viçosa. Reaching from here to there is a headache though. Anyway, who wants to visit these big cities? I would like to dash to Manaus, and then to the Amazons.

One day soon...

More Than Words...

What a song!

HNY! Happy 2011!

I knew she would call. She likes me, and I think she knows I know. So she acts tough. And provokes me. Today's invitation to the party was partly wanting to spend time together for this is our last new year together, but it was part provocation too - daring me to come to a party where no one expects me to be, where I am mostly surrounded by people who either don't care about me or have already formed an opinion that I'm too good for them. So when I said, of course, why not?, I could sense the glee-cum-surprise.

I regretted saying yes to her immediately as there are too many things pending but for that very reason I just went ahead with the plan. I have decided to do things that no one expects me to do. If others can predict how I'm gonna behave in the next situation, I'm probably in a mould and need to break free. At least on evening of 31st Dec.
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Anmi wished me new year while stepping out. Asked me about my plans. He was totally totally surprised to know that I had any. Pasami's smile faded. I guess both of them assumed I would work late in lab like a dork. Which just reconfirmed my decision to go to the party and have a ball. I've plans, I say. And they drop their jaws! What an awesome start to the year :)
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I like solitude. I am alone most of the times. What I realized today is -  do something again and again, enough number of times and you'll probably be able to fool even yourself. I started off spending more and more time alone as a requirement for my work. I always had enough to do. Interesting things to do too. I never got bored when alone. I mistook it as preferring to be alone. Not true. I love company as much.
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Misa and Sh called on Visp's number to wish him, and eventually wished us too knowing that a party is sort of on and everyone is around. I was quite uncomfortable the whole time. My whole friendcircle knows her. And I think she gets undue sympathy, which is unfair. Just coz she is a girl. With her, there are too many unspoken things, but time has come to move on. It was not my mistake, so I don't need to carry the baggage.
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The knowledge that I'm gonna leave from here soon is like knowing you're gonna die soon. All my senses have become sharper and I'm breathing in more of everything than I would have done otherwise. I'm living more because I know my days are numbered. Totally here-and-now.
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Cooking, hogging, watching a movie, laughing on ridiculous jokes and UP lingo, explaining the dialogues to a tamilian friend, walking back with no trace of guilt for totally forgetting about deadlines is I would say a great way to start the new year. I wish the whole year lives upto the start it has had.

Something More That Waits In Time...

I guess certain dates work like charm when you want to break of old habits and form new ones. There was a time when I was feverish about certain dates and resolutions. For example, new year's. My b'day. Start of vacation. On those dates, I used to form a list of things I would stop doing and list of ones I would hopefully start (all over again). Then came the phase where it was uncool to make any resolution. The usual response was to utter duhh and make the person asking the question feel stupid. Life was never supposed to be taken so seriously as to change something in oneself...even to humour that query was way too appalling.

I still find it appalling, but for a different reason. As in, really?! Is that what you really wanna know? You wouldn't even bother and now suddenly this intrusive? Actually it's so commonplace that it's not even annoying. Even I have done that I guess. It's the year-end equivalent of Isn't it too cold? Yeah, you bet! A conversation filler. Most of the people are looking for a funny answer anyway, and so I have a comic respite up my sleeve. I am gonna see as many sunrises as possible in 2011. And then they laugh and we go our separate ways.

I'm out of that phase though, when it was uncool to admit to flaws and try to change them. I do have flaws, lots and lots, and I would like to rectify them. So what's the real deal? Just one. I wanna reach out more to the people I love. Every relationship comes with a give and take balance and I felt it has been tilted mostly in favour of they giving and me taking. I have been doing nothing but just shamelessly taking and taking. And it's starting to bother me. It's time to give. Whatever makes this group of people happy.

I have been noticing it for a while, but 2010 has made it clear. Life is short. And no, I don't necessarily mean it in the context of impending death, etc. The time of togetherness has become shorter and shorter. We are never gonna have as much time with each other as we did when I was a kid. So I wanna make the best use of time we have, whether near or far, in doing things that they like doing.

I am already excited by the idea.

ps. Coming to think of it, it's kinda selfish of me coz I think I am gonna get more fun out of this whole resolution stuff.

I'm scared of dying without being able to make a difference in the world around me.  I want to do something to help the various ecological causes, to push the envelope further. I probably can’t do much, but I wanna try, wanna try hard and wanna try it forever. I know we've just one life, and this is how mine is, and exactly how I want it to be.

Kind gestures make me happy...but incredibly sad too. I mean, I like it. But I totally don't expect it. I think I have given up on any sort of kindness a long time back. I can fight empty words. Kindness on the other hand, is disarming. And bothersome. I can't bear it. Just got to avert gaze. Blindness.

It's Only Words...

Of late, happiness has been marred by a strange happening. All I think about are the reasons why we were the chosen ones...

My behaviour in last few weeks has followed a typical Kübler-Ross trajectory. What is atypical is this: One would think acceptance is the easiest phase to be in, but it's the hardest. Coz coming to terms =  giving up. I hate it coz it makes me feel helpless...

I can't talk more about it for a simple reason that it's not mine to talk.

Time and time again I come here and write about stuff, mostly stuff that is bothering me. I think there must be a simple enough reason for that. When no one else can comfort you, words can.

Lost & Bound...

Feeling so fucked up and lost. To switch off from everything else, I started my playlist, and the first song was from the collection she gave to me when we were still in the song-exchange-phase of the relationship. Is that a fucking coincidence? I just went into a daze thereafter. All spaced out. Put it on loop and let it play for eternity. Till the point where every guitar strum took me deeper into melancholy. To hell with happiness. Who needs it? It's hard work. To gain happiness and to feel happy is so fucking difficult. I've been happy and I know the feeling, believe you me. But why the fuck does it have to be so rare? And untouchable and fragile? And short-term? What does one do when it is over and the feeling of nothingness takes over? A vacant soul is the worst possible state coz everything is so vague and the enemy is not really visible. I'm not even sure whether the enemy exists. So, then you turn to sadness as a last resort coz at least it makes you feel something. Mostly crappy, but at least you are not vacant. You do that long enough and one day you realize even that is not exciting enough. Masochism is the best drug to counter gloom they say, but even that has its limits.

Are sad people just supposed to carry their sadness to grave? Actually why not? Dig your own grave and die. I have desperately wanted to die myself at times. The more I think about it, the more I see the possibilities. Just possibilities coz I am not really gonna do it. If I really wanted to do it, I wouldn't waste time writing about it, which probably means I am not yet over the brink. I've no clue how far the brink is. But the day I come across it, one thought withholding me would be my family. Sometimes I wish I had no family just so that I could do exactly what I want with my life. You wanna kill yourself? Do it...how is it anyone else's business but mine? Do whatever you like with your fucking life. If euthanasia can be accepted, why does suicide hold so much dogma? What's the bloody difference? Anyway, since I have a family, and a loving one at that, a willing death is not really a feasible option.

I'll bide my time for life or death.

Pull Your Pants Up!

I like practical people. Who know what they want and how to get it, who know exactly what's going on in their lives, who can keep a scorecard of chaos. Talked with one such person and got a lot of pointers. I had shared some tiny but important detail of my last romantic picadillo and I got a huge dose of how to salvage the sinking ship. I loved the being-the-centre-of-attention part...but I also enjoyed it coz the person clearly knew what she was talking. Though I do not like lectures on how to conduct my life, especially when it comes to my romantic liaison, and especially from the younger lot, and especially if the preacher is a female (coz females have a tendency to gang up...even when they don't know each other...so I always end up turning the villain in the relationship), I heard everything that she had to say with utmost attention coz she was making HUGE sense.

Anyway, I am just glad that I've such people who despite my best efforts, make sure that my life is on tracks and propel some sense in the thick skull that I have. I don't know whether I deserve them as I'm sure that I'm not going to act on half of the suggestions I've got, but it feels awesome that someone cares about you.