Something More That Waits In Time...

I guess certain dates work like charm when you want to break of old habits and form new ones. There was a time when I was feverish about certain dates and resolutions. For example, new year's. My b'day. Start of vacation. On those dates, I used to form a list of things I would stop doing and list of ones I would hopefully start (all over again). Then came the phase where it was uncool to make any resolution. The usual response was to utter duhh and make the person asking the question feel stupid. Life was never supposed to be taken so seriously as to change something in oneself...even to humour that query was way too appalling.

I still find it appalling, but for a different reason. As in, really?! Is that what you really wanna know? You wouldn't even bother and now suddenly this intrusive? Actually it's so commonplace that it's not even annoying. Even I have done that I guess. It's the year-end equivalent of Isn't it too cold? Yeah, you bet! A conversation filler. Most of the people are looking for a funny answer anyway, and so I have a comic respite up my sleeve. I am gonna see as many sunrises as possible in 2011. And then they laugh and we go our separate ways.

I'm out of that phase though, when it was uncool to admit to flaws and try to change them. I do have flaws, lots and lots, and I would like to rectify them. So what's the real deal? Just one. I wanna reach out more to the people I love. Every relationship comes with a give and take balance and I felt it has been tilted mostly in favour of they giving and me taking. I have been doing nothing but just shamelessly taking and taking. And it's starting to bother me. It's time to give. Whatever makes this group of people happy.

I have been noticing it for a while, but 2010 has made it clear. Life is short. And no, I don't necessarily mean it in the context of impending death, etc. The time of togetherness has become shorter and shorter. We are never gonna have as much time with each other as we did when I was a kid. So I wanna make the best use of time we have, whether near or far, in doing things that they like doing.

I am already excited by the idea.

ps. Coming to think of it, it's kinda selfish of me coz I think I am gonna get more fun out of this whole resolution stuff.

I'm scared of dying without being able to make a difference in the world around me.  I want to do something to help the various ecological causes, to push the envelope further. I probably can’t do much, but I wanna try, wanna try hard and wanna try it forever. I know we've just one life, and this is how mine is, and exactly how I want it to be.

Kind gestures make me happy...but incredibly sad too. I mean, I like it. But I totally don't expect it. I think I have given up on any sort of kindness a long time back. I can fight empty words. Kindness on the other hand, is disarming. And bothersome. I can't bear it. Just got to avert gaze. Blindness.

It's Only Words...

Of late, happiness has been marred by a strange happening. All I think about are the reasons why we were the chosen ones...

My behaviour in last few weeks has followed a typical Kübler-Ross trajectory. What is atypical is this: One would think acceptance is the easiest phase to be in, but it's the hardest. Coz coming to terms =  giving up. I hate it coz it makes me feel helpless...

I can't talk more about it for a simple reason that it's not mine to talk.

Time and time again I come here and write about stuff, mostly stuff that is bothering me. I think there must be a simple enough reason for that. When no one else can comfort you, words can.

Lost & Bound...

Feeling so fucked up and lost. To switch off from everything else, I started my playlist, and the first song was from the collection she gave to me when we were still in the song-exchange-phase of the relationship. Is that a fucking coincidence? I just went into a daze thereafter. All spaced out. Put it on loop and let it play for eternity. Till the point where every guitar strum took me deeper into melancholy. To hell with happiness. Who needs it? It's hard work. To gain happiness and to feel happy is so fucking difficult. I've been happy and I know the feeling, believe you me. But why the fuck does it have to be so rare? And untouchable and fragile? And short-term? What does one do when it is over and the feeling of nothingness takes over? A vacant soul is the worst possible state coz everything is so vague and the enemy is not really visible. I'm not even sure whether the enemy exists. So, then you turn to sadness as a last resort coz at least it makes you feel something. Mostly crappy, but at least you are not vacant. You do that long enough and one day you realize even that is not exciting enough. Masochism is the best drug to counter gloom they say, but even that has its limits.

Are sad people just supposed to carry their sadness to grave? Actually why not? Dig your own grave and die. I have desperately wanted to die myself at times. The more I think about it, the more I see the possibilities. Just possibilities coz I am not really gonna do it. If I really wanted to do it, I wouldn't waste time writing about it, which probably means I am not yet over the brink. I've no clue how far the brink is. But the day I come across it, one thought withholding me would be my family. Sometimes I wish I had no family just so that I could do exactly what I want with my life. You wanna kill yourself? Do it...how is it anyone else's business but mine? Do whatever you like with your fucking life. If euthanasia can be accepted, why does suicide hold so much dogma? What's the bloody difference? Anyway, since I have a family, and a loving one at that, a willing death is not really a feasible option.

I'll bide my time for life or death.

Pull Your Pants Up!

I like practical people. Who know what they want and how to get it, who know exactly what's going on in their lives, who can keep a scorecard of chaos. Talked with one such person and got a lot of pointers. I had shared some tiny but important detail of my last romantic picadillo and I got a huge dose of how to salvage the sinking ship. I loved the being-the-centre-of-attention part...but I also enjoyed it coz the person clearly knew what she was talking. Though I do not like lectures on how to conduct my life, especially when it comes to my romantic liaison, and especially from the younger lot, and especially if the preacher is a female (coz females have a tendency to gang up...even when they don't know each other...so I always end up turning the villain in the relationship), I heard everything that she had to say with utmost attention coz she was making HUGE sense.

Anyway, I am just glad that I've such people who despite my best efforts, make sure that my life is on tracks and propel some sense in the thick skull that I have. I don't know whether I deserve them as I'm sure that I'm not going to act on half of the suggestions I've got, but it feels awesome that someone cares about you.

What an Onion of a Mind!

Hilarious and pathetic at the same time, I wonder what are these Freuds thinking when they are trying to squeeze the pulp out of me to find some background they can analyse. People, for once and all, I've had the most normal childhood, teen-hood and enjoying the most normal adult-hood. Trying to peel out layers is not gonna give you some core issues I'm dealing with! Peel enough and your own eyes will blind you. So try the bloody trick on someone else.

I'm done with the drama of dating and bailing out of ultra-zealous commitments. I just wanna have some fun! Dizzy, scatterbrained frivolous fun!!!

The Worst Day Since 13th

Had an awesome summer...

And then comes valium...

Taming of the Shrew

The "shrew" needs a good thrashing. I'm so ready to beat the shit out of her.

Truth, Bitter Truth

If someone reads my posts, I might be perceived as a self-obsessed person as I talk only about myself. There are two reasons, very different from each other, almost contradictory: first reason is that I know best about what is happening in my life. I can hypothesize about how you are feeling, but that would be a mere hypothesis. Talking about myself in not narcissism, but an invitation extended to people suggesting you can talk with me if you want to...that I'm there. If you do not accept it, can you blame me? It is your decision not to accept that invitation; in fact you have already judged me as a narcissist, and I can not be blamed for your bitterness toward me.
The second reason is my phobia with attachments. I hate myself for it. I wanna change it, and I have been able to bring it down, but it is still there.
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I have a phobia coz I have been hurt. Very badly. People just left. People left, people died, people betrayed. It happens in everyone's life. Nothing special about mine. Except everything happened so fast, within a matter of few months, and I was so young, I probably did not really know how to tackle it. I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. It was a bad time. All that made me distant, cold and whoever I appear today. I wanna reach out to people, have fun, make friends, fall in love...but it is not worth it coz everyone leaves in the end, and you are just gonna end up crazy sad.
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There are some days when all this seems so stupid and meaningless...this being on guard. When everything seems so simple to change. Just allow people to enter your lives and enter others'. But such days are rare. Even when I am talking to people, like at work place, or even friends, I am telling myself, no getting close to them, coz they will probably leave in a few months, and then you'll be alone...or they will die, and you'll go mad coz of all the grief. So basically, when normal people are having gala time, crazy people like me are trying to create escape plans even in the most joyous of situations. I wish I was more carefree when it came to love, relationships, friendships. I know I appear dry, hard, with a lot of attitude, and no one but me is responsible for it, for the drama I put in front of the whole world. I have cursed myself, and tried to curb this quality of mine, I have tried to bring my guard down, but every time I do that, I end up getting hurt again.

Crash Course in Goodbyes

When does one say 'enough is enough'? I have seen people turn their backs on friends, relationships. When it comes to that decisive moment, they are clinical. No quivering footsteps. No flinching hearts. No melting eyes.

I get it. Completely. Why they break the bonds they once cherished. The pleasure of being bound in someone's love is subdued and made ineffective by the marks their love leaves behind. The marks borne of jealousy, possessiveness, expectations.

This is the time to say goodbyes. No one deserves scars.

More often than not, my social quotient tilts towards abusive relationships. It's a slow poison, tainting and taunting my limits. A sure path towards self-destruction.
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You remind me of soothing symphony of violins and smooth interspersed twinkle of piano. The moment the crescendo reaches, I remember our last conversation. Anger, and ruthlessness with which harsh words were spoken. Each word tugging at my heart, trying to find the raw-most nerve, and slashing the ice cold knife with a violent force I never knew you were capable of. 

But this time, I did not splutter apologies. Enough is enough.

Something I Can Never Have

Mom and Dad have gone so far apart. If I'm granted one wish, I'll wish for one more day with them together. If not for anything, just for the old time's sake.

Where Does The Truth Lie?

One thing I do not get is the reason behind lying. Never understood it, never will. As a kid, I lied to the dozen...left, right, centre. I was a compulsive liar. Lying seemed so much easier than telling the truth. Only till the moment to clean up the mess that my lies had created arrived. Lies quickly gain a life of their own, creating clones and mutants which are a waste of time. Thankfully, I realized sometime in my late teens that truth can be agonizing and painful, especially if it lands you in a spot, but people are much more appreciative of honesty than I thought. So there can be momentary screaming, shouting (sometimes clawing and slapping, if you are in a relationship), but it all goes away. And whatever the truth maybe, one thing the recipient can never question is your honesty. Which to me is like my second skin. Call me anything, but if you call me dishonest, I would transform into a raging maniac.

So after I redeemed myself and practised the art of  truth-telling over few years, I became more and more interested in myself (of past) and many others (of past and present) who think lying is a blessing in disguise. I won't be judgemental, but if someone catches you lying, you are probably lucky. Coz if you go uncaught, what's happening is someone trusted you, and you went bloody scot-free with their trust and used it to your advantage. How can any conscientious person live with that?

Why does one lie? Can it be so demanding and difficult to be yourself than to pretend about things, qualities, stuff you are not and who you think you should be? If it's that, then I guess the problem lies within us, that we can't reach the heightened expectations people and we have from ourselves. That they want us to be something different, something better, nicer and by lying, we agree with them that we are not what we should be. Now, if that's true, the easiest thing is to be better! Instead of spending hours plotting and planning how to counter and maintain the lies, let's just become better, smarter, more accomplished, reach a state of perfection, where we don't have to lie anymore. Easier said than done, but just easier in the end.

Well, till folks around you get it, I guess one will have to deal with lies and liars. It's disturbing, and in rare cases, the lies penetrate even the most thick-skinned like me, and it hurts. You mentally reprimand yourself for trusting someone who probably didn't deserve it. Bad ones lie coz they don't care. Good ones lie coz they probably care too much. And stupid ones like me fall for the lies. All the time.

Seriously, truth does not lie anywhere. Truth is simple. Truth just is.

I Shall Believe

At this moment, I have nothing but my beliefs. I believe in myself, my values and my ideas. I crave for others to believe in them, but I am ready to be patient. After all, everyone holds their beliefs closer to them. My work, my ideas, may have been falling on ears that refuse to listen to new ways of doing things, but I have not given up. Not yet. If someone thinks my idea is bad, that's okay with me. The world doesn't end. One just has to keep looking for the right person. I refuse to believe that out of 6 billion+ people, not a single head would see some merit in my ideas.

On a tangent, someone close criticized me for not being a good planner. I think I am an optimist, but I do not want to think too much about tomorrow. And you know what? Future is relative. So, that criticism is anyway invalid. I plan and I do think about my future. Not as far as some people would do, but I think about the next second, next hour, tomorrow. That's my future. I can't think months ahead from now. I am neither incapable nor afraid. However, I think it steals away my present. 

So I am optimistic, but I can't/don't want to start thinking and strategize about how and when to do certain things, so that one year from now I reach someplace. That's not me. It's an absolute cliche but I want to live in the moment and enjoy everything, planned or unplanned.

Every Day Is Another Story...

Places are like people. You always want to possess them and once you do that, you want to move on. Too long with someone makes them predictable, boring and dull. And too long someplace makes it dragging, unamusing, tiresome. Clearly, anchoring to places and attaching to people is not my way of life. At least not right now. I do crave for stability in my life, but when it starts getting too comfortable and convenient, I get restless. In my dictionary, too much stability = death. So I want to move on now. I will miss some of the crazy people and wonderful places from here who/which I would probably never see or encounter again, and that makes me depressed, but I rather move on and start living than missing those who have moved on...

The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

One thing suddenly became crystal clear. Whether it is friendship or relationship, the moment it leaves the harbour, it is in deep water. Sure it feels great while it lasts. The sunlight filtering through her hair, fondling my face and warming my blood while listening to the waves dancing against the ship's keel...yes, love can make you write poems.  

But love also makes everything wobbly, uncertain. Prone to getting upturned by slightest of storms. When a Titanic happens, the Roses of this world will live and Jacks will freeze to death. It is not fair but that is how it is. And the worst part is realizing that everything that she has been yelling for past hour about how I hurt and damaged her for life is an utter lie coz the only person I could really hurt is myself.

Happy New Year

This blog needed a new lease of life. So did I. The watchful eyes...1984...Google gives my other blog's url when searched for my name. I didn't like it. This, even after so called anonymity on the blogger service. Tried everything. Removing it from google list, from blogger public list, but nothing basically worked. Anyway, enough people already knew that blog's url so removing it from google search would not have helped it. I love readers. But not those who know me as a person. The whole purpose is lost if my personal and virtual life get mixed in this way. The posts here are not virtual, they are incidents from my life, my thoughts, dreams, ideas, nothing is unreal/virtual about them, but revealing too much to a familiar audience is not my idea of blogging.

I will keep it short and sweet this time. But I promise to write regularly here. Wish you all a very happy new year! Hope 2010 brings all the great things you wish for. Just a suggestion. Don't stop at wishing. Work toward it. If someone asks me what's the biggest lesson I learnt in 2009,I would say, it's learning that working hard has no alternative...no wish, no hope, no dream will succeed without some real effort on your part. More importantly, even if you do not succeed, you would have your hard work with you. You would have learnt something and it will be useful on this journey. Not just that, success is important, but equally important is the feeling that success was due. More often than not, I have observed I'm not appreciative of a success undue. So work hard, and 2010 will be great for you, I promise.

Now something in my first language...


नवीन वर्षाच्या अनेक शुभेच्छा! स्वप्नं बघा, आणि ती साकार करण्यात स्वप्नांना प्रयत्नांची जोड द्या, आणि मग बघाच...कोण तुम्हाला थांबवू शकतो ते!

३ वर्षांपासून मी ’सिंगल’ श्रेणीत अडून बसलोय आणि या वर्षी तरी पुढल्या वर्गात मला प्रवेश मिळावा अशी मी स्वतःसाठी आशा करतो. तुम्हाला ’प्रयत्ने वाळूचे कण रगडिता...’, असा उपदेश दिल्यावर मी स्वतः हातावर हात धरून बसणे कसे शक्य आहे? या बाबतीत तरी नक्की नाही! पण ’जीवनसाथी’ आणि मुला-मुलींना व्यवस्थित क्रमबद्ध पद्धतीने सोबत आणणाऱ्या असंख्य तसल्याच निरुपयोगी पोर्टल्स वर माझा विश्वास नाही. त्या पद्धतीत स्वातंत्र्य नाही आणि चक्रव्युहासारखे ते खेळाडूंना गिळूनच मग शांत होते असं काहीसं माझं त्या शोभायात्रेबद्दल मत आहे.

त्यावर उपाय हाच की स्वतःचा साथीदार स्वतः शोधणे. २०१० मध्ये मला या सर्व क्रियाकलापासाठी भरपूर वेळ काढावा लागणार, आणि ते मी आवडीने काढीन. फक्त मनासारखी साथीदार मिळाली तरी तिच्याशी प्रेमराग आळवायला आवडेलच असे नाही. त्याचं उपप्रमेय हे की प्रेम हे ठोकताळ्यात बसत नाही, आणि प्रेम-विवाह करायचा असेल तर फक्त दोन गोष्टी सोबत हव्यात...पहिली ही की प्रेमावर अतूट विश्वास असणे. हे म्हणजे थोडं मृगजळासारखे आहे, पण काही केल्या ती वाट सोडणे नाही...दुसरा महत्त्वपूर्ण आणि आवश्यक गुण म्हणजे अपेक्षा आणि रीतींच्या जळमळाटापासून दूर असणारे मन...ज्याची द्वारं फक्त प्रेमासाठी खुली आहेत.

करायला तर आहे सोपे. टिकवायचे कसे हे मात्र समजायला हवे. या साली ही ज्ञानप्राप्ती मला व्हावी हीच इच्छा...


Once again, wish you all a great year ahead. And in pursuing your dreams, don't forget to have a good time!!!