Tuesday 27 July 2010
What an Onion of a Mind!
Hilarious and pathetic at the same time, I wonder what are these Freuds thinking when they are trying to squeeze the pulp out of me to find some background they can analyse. People, for once and all, I've had the most normal childhood, teen-hood and enjoying the most normal adult-hood. Trying to peel out layers is not gonna give you some core issues I'm dealing with! Peel enough and your own eyes will blind you. So try the bloody trick on someone else.
Sunday 25 July 2010
Thursday 22 July 2010
Tuesday 13 July 2010
Truth, Bitter Truth
If someone reads my posts, I might be perceived as a self-obsessed person as I talk only about myself. There are two reasons, very different from each other, almost contradictory: first reason is that I know best about what is happening in my life. I can hypothesize about how you are feeling, but that would be a mere hypothesis. Talking about myself in not narcissism, but an invitation extended to people suggesting you can talk with me if you want to...that I'm there. If you do not accept it, can you blame me? It is your decision not to accept that invitation; in fact you have already judged me as a narcissist, and I can not be blamed for your bitterness toward me.
The second reason is my phobia with attachments. I hate myself for it. I wanna change it, and I have been able to bring it down, but it is still there.
---
I have a phobia coz I have been hurt. Very badly. People just left. People left, people died, people betrayed. It happens in everyone's life. Nothing special about mine. Except everything happened so fast, within a matter of few months, and I was so young, I probably did not really know how to tackle it. I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. It was a bad time. All that made me distant, cold and whoever I appear today. I wanna reach out to people, have fun, make friends, fall in love...but it is not worth it coz everyone leaves in the end, and you are just gonna end up crazy sad.
---
There are some days when all this seems so stupid and meaningless...this being on guard. When everything seems so simple to change. Just allow people to enter your lives and enter others'. But such days are rare. Even when I am talking to people, like at work place, or even friends, I am telling myself, no getting close to them, coz they will probably leave in a few months, and then you'll be alone...or they will die, and you'll go mad coz of all the grief. So basically, when normal people are having gala time, crazy people like me are trying to create escape plans even in the most joyous of situations. I wish I was more carefree when it came to love, relationships, friendships. I know I appear dry, hard, with a lot of attitude, and no one but me is responsible for it, for the drama I put in front of the whole world. I have cursed myself, and tried to curb this quality of mine, I have tried to bring my guard down, but every time I do that, I end up getting hurt again.
The second reason is my phobia with attachments. I hate myself for it. I wanna change it, and I have been able to bring it down, but it is still there.
---
I have a phobia coz I have been hurt. Very badly. People just left. People left, people died, people betrayed. It happens in everyone's life. Nothing special about mine. Except everything happened so fast, within a matter of few months, and I was so young, I probably did not really know how to tackle it. I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. It was a bad time. All that made me distant, cold and whoever I appear today. I wanna reach out to people, have fun, make friends, fall in love...but it is not worth it coz everyone leaves in the end, and you are just gonna end up crazy sad.
---
There are some days when all this seems so stupid and meaningless...this being on guard. When everything seems so simple to change. Just allow people to enter your lives and enter others'. But such days are rare. Even when I am talking to people, like at work place, or even friends, I am telling myself, no getting close to them, coz they will probably leave in a few months, and then you'll be alone...or they will die, and you'll go mad coz of all the grief. So basically, when normal people are having gala time, crazy people like me are trying to create escape plans even in the most joyous of situations. I wish I was more carefree when it came to love, relationships, friendships. I know I appear dry, hard, with a lot of attitude, and no one but me is responsible for it, for the drama I put in front of the whole world. I have cursed myself, and tried to curb this quality of mine, I have tried to bring my guard down, but every time I do that, I end up getting hurt again.
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