Lost & Bound...

Feeling so fucked up and lost. To switch off from everything else, I started my playlist, and the first song was from the collection she gave to me when we were still in the song-exchange-phase of the relationship. Is that a fucking coincidence? I just went into a daze thereafter. All spaced out. Put it on loop and let it play for eternity. Till the point where every guitar strum took me deeper into melancholy. To hell with happiness. Who needs it? It's hard work. To gain happiness and to feel happy is so fucking difficult. I've been happy and I know the feeling, believe you me. But why the fuck does it have to be so rare? And untouchable and fragile? And short-term? What does one do when it is over and the feeling of nothingness takes over? A vacant soul is the worst possible state coz everything is so vague and the enemy is not really visible. I'm not even sure whether the enemy exists. So, then you turn to sadness as a last resort coz at least it makes you feel something. Mostly crappy, but at least you are not vacant. You do that long enough and one day you realize even that is not exciting enough. Masochism is the best drug to counter gloom they say, but even that has its limits.

Are sad people just supposed to carry their sadness to grave? Actually why not? Dig your own grave and die. I have desperately wanted to die myself at times. The more I think about it, the more I see the possibilities. Just possibilities coz I am not really gonna do it. If I really wanted to do it, I wouldn't waste time writing about it, which probably means I am not yet over the brink. I've no clue how far the brink is. But the day I come across it, one thought withholding me would be my family. Sometimes I wish I had no family just so that I could do exactly what I want with my life. You wanna kill yourself? Do it...how is it anyone else's business but mine? Do whatever you like with your fucking life. If euthanasia can be accepted, why does suicide hold so much dogma? What's the bloody difference? Anyway, since I have a family, and a loving one at that, a willing death is not really a feasible option.

I'll bide my time for life or death.

Pull Your Pants Up!

I like practical people. Who know what they want and how to get it, who know exactly what's going on in their lives, who can keep a scorecard of chaos. Talked with one such person and got a lot of pointers. I had shared some tiny but important detail of my last romantic picadillo and I got a huge dose of how to salvage the sinking ship. I loved the being-the-centre-of-attention part...but I also enjoyed it coz the person clearly knew what she was talking. Though I do not like lectures on how to conduct my life, especially when it comes to my romantic liaison, and especially from the younger lot, and especially if the preacher is a female (coz females have a tendency to gang up...even when they don't know each other...so I always end up turning the villain in the relationship), I heard everything that she had to say with utmost attention coz she was making HUGE sense.

Anyway, I am just glad that I've such people who despite my best efforts, make sure that my life is on tracks and propel some sense in the thick skull that I have. I don't know whether I deserve them as I'm sure that I'm not going to act on half of the suggestions I've got, but it feels awesome that someone cares about you.