Kind gestures make me happy...but incredibly sad too. I mean, I like it. But I totally don't expect it. I think I have given up on any sort of kindness a long time back. I can fight empty words. Kindness on the other hand, is disarming. And bothersome. I can't bear it. Just got to avert gaze. Blindness.

It's Only Words...

Of late, happiness has been marred by a strange happening. All I think about are the reasons why we were the chosen ones...

My behaviour in last few weeks has followed a typical Kübler-Ross trajectory. What is atypical is this: One would think acceptance is the easiest phase to be in, but it's the hardest. Coz coming to terms =  giving up. I hate it coz it makes me feel helpless...

I can't talk more about it for a simple reason that it's not mine to talk.

Time and time again I come here and write about stuff, mostly stuff that is bothering me. I think there must be a simple enough reason for that. When no one else can comfort you, words can.

Lost & Bound...

Feeling so fucked up and lost. To switch off from everything else, I started my playlist, and the first song was from the collection she gave to me when we were still in the song-exchange-phase of the relationship. Is that a fucking coincidence? I just went into a daze thereafter. All spaced out. Put it on loop and let it play for eternity. Till the point where every guitar strum took me deeper into melancholy. To hell with happiness. Who needs it? It's hard work. To gain happiness and to feel happy is so fucking difficult. I've been happy and I know the feeling, believe you me. But why the fuck does it have to be so rare? And untouchable and fragile? And short-term? What does one do when it is over and the feeling of nothingness takes over? A vacant soul is the worst possible state coz everything is so vague and the enemy is not really visible. I'm not even sure whether the enemy exists. So, then you turn to sadness as a last resort coz at least it makes you feel something. Mostly crappy, but at least you are not vacant. You do that long enough and one day you realize even that is not exciting enough. Masochism is the best drug to counter gloom they say, but even that has its limits.

Are sad people just supposed to carry their sadness to grave? Actually why not? Dig your own grave and die. I have desperately wanted to die myself at times. The more I think about it, the more I see the possibilities. Just possibilities coz I am not really gonna do it. If I really wanted to do it, I wouldn't waste time writing about it, which probably means I am not yet over the brink. I've no clue how far the brink is. But the day I come across it, one thought withholding me would be my family. Sometimes I wish I had no family just so that I could do exactly what I want with my life. You wanna kill yourself? Do it...how is it anyone else's business but mine? Do whatever you like with your fucking life. If euthanasia can be accepted, why does suicide hold so much dogma? What's the bloody difference? Anyway, since I have a family, and a loving one at that, a willing death is not really a feasible option.

I'll bide my time for life or death.

Pull Your Pants Up!

I like practical people. Who know what they want and how to get it, who know exactly what's going on in their lives, who can keep a scorecard of chaos. Talked with one such person and got a lot of pointers. I had shared some tiny but important detail of my last romantic picadillo and I got a huge dose of how to salvage the sinking ship. I loved the being-the-centre-of-attention part...but I also enjoyed it coz the person clearly knew what she was talking. Though I do not like lectures on how to conduct my life, especially when it comes to my romantic liaison, and especially from the younger lot, and especially if the preacher is a female (coz females have a tendency to gang up...even when they don't know each other...so I always end up turning the villain in the relationship), I heard everything that she had to say with utmost attention coz she was making HUGE sense.

Anyway, I am just glad that I've such people who despite my best efforts, make sure that my life is on tracks and propel some sense in the thick skull that I have. I don't know whether I deserve them as I'm sure that I'm not going to act on half of the suggestions I've got, but it feels awesome that someone cares about you.

What an Onion of a Mind!

Hilarious and pathetic at the same time, I wonder what are these Freuds thinking when they are trying to squeeze the pulp out of me to find some background they can analyse. People, for once and all, I've had the most normal childhood, teen-hood and enjoying the most normal adult-hood. Trying to peel out layers is not gonna give you some core issues I'm dealing with! Peel enough and your own eyes will blind you. So try the bloody trick on someone else.

I'm done with the drama of dating and bailing out of ultra-zealous commitments. I just wanna have some fun! Dizzy, scatterbrained frivolous fun!!!

The Worst Day Since 13th

Had an awesome summer...

And then comes valium...

Taming of the Shrew

The "shrew" needs a good thrashing. I'm so ready to beat the shit out of her.

Truth, Bitter Truth

If someone reads my posts, I might be perceived as a self-obsessed person as I talk only about myself. There are two reasons, very different from each other, almost contradictory: first reason is that I know best about what is happening in my life. I can hypothesize about how you are feeling, but that would be a mere hypothesis. Talking about myself in not narcissism, but an invitation extended to people suggesting you can talk with me if you want to...that I'm there. If you do not accept it, can you blame me? It is your decision not to accept that invitation; in fact you have already judged me as a narcissist, and I can not be blamed for your bitterness toward me.
The second reason is my phobia with attachments. I hate myself for it. I wanna change it, and I have been able to bring it down, but it is still there.
---
I have a phobia coz I have been hurt. Very badly. People just left. People left, people died, people betrayed. It happens in everyone's life. Nothing special about mine. Except everything happened so fast, within a matter of few months, and I was so young, I probably did not really know how to tackle it. I didn't know who to turn to, who to talk to. It was a bad time. All that made me distant, cold and whoever I appear today. I wanna reach out to people, have fun, make friends, fall in love...but it is not worth it coz everyone leaves in the end, and you are just gonna end up crazy sad.
---
There are some days when all this seems so stupid and meaningless...this being on guard. When everything seems so simple to change. Just allow people to enter your lives and enter others'. But such days are rare. Even when I am talking to people, like at work place, or even friends, I am telling myself, no getting close to them, coz they will probably leave in a few months, and then you'll be alone...or they will die, and you'll go mad coz of all the grief. So basically, when normal people are having gala time, crazy people like me are trying to create escape plans even in the most joyous of situations. I wish I was more carefree when it came to love, relationships, friendships. I know I appear dry, hard, with a lot of attitude, and no one but me is responsible for it, for the drama I put in front of the whole world. I have cursed myself, and tried to curb this quality of mine, I have tried to bring my guard down, but every time I do that, I end up getting hurt again.

Crash Course in Goodbyes

When does one say 'enough is enough'? I have seen people turn their backs on friends, relationships. When it comes to that decisive moment, they are clinical. No quivering footsteps. No flinching hearts. No melting eyes.

I get it. Completely. Why they break the bonds they once cherished. The pleasure of being bound in someone's love is subdued and made ineffective by the marks their love leaves behind. The marks borne of jealousy, possessiveness, expectations.

This is the time to say goodbyes. No one deserves scars.

More often than not, my social quotient tilts towards abusive relationships. It's a slow poison, tainting and taunting my limits. A sure path towards self-destruction.
----

You remind me of soothing symphony of violins and smooth interspersed twinkle of piano. The moment the crescendo reaches, I remember our last conversation. Anger, and ruthlessness with which harsh words were spoken. Each word tugging at my heart, trying to find the raw-most nerve, and slashing the ice cold knife with a violent force I never knew you were capable of. 

But this time, I did not splutter apologies. Enough is enough.